October: Past, Present, and "Who I'm Becoming"

October is for birthdays in our house. In addition to basically an entire month of celebrations, I did manage to complete some challenges (for those of you following along on the list). I spent a really lovely kid-free afternoon at Strawberry Hot Springs in Steamboat with my mom (challenge #1). We got to spend a whole bunch of quality time together hiking and relaxing in the hot spring pools below the golden glow of the few remaining aspen leaves. It was dreamy.

Fueled by birthday cake sugar and the official passage of another year around the sun for Bryan and the kids, October also became the month the idea of aging hit me right between the eyes.  

While recording a video conversation about our friendship (challenge #2), one of the questions we discussed was “In what ways has our friendship shaped who each of us is becoming.” Becoming. Becoming. Who am I becoming? The phrase invites you to envision and intentionally work toward the person you want to be. I have to be honest, I clammed up a bit. 

We ask Maddie and Tobin, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”. As expected, the answer is centered around jobs - or being Elsa from Frozen. But how do you decide who you want to become when you’re entering middle-age?

I have long-known about myself that the unknown, that the concept of the “sky is the limit” or “the possibilities are endless” overwhelms me - there’s a famous family story that I cried when I turned 10 because I “didn’t know what double-digits would feel like”. I am a root-planter, a feet-firmly-on-the-ground kind of gal. I often focus more on who I am in this present moment and how I arrived here instead of dreaming of possibilities with my head in the clouds. My gratitude practices often focus on who and what helped shape the “today” me. 

After our conversation, I spent half of October wrestling with “who am I going to be”, the future me. What goals should I be setting, when should I start on them, how do I know if I am on the “right” path, is 40 too old to pivot, what if I fail? (< full ownership there’s more therapy work to be done there) 

This month, we also completed our family time capsule (challenge #3) to be opened at Maddie's High School graduation in 2039. As a refresher, a time capsule is a freezing of this moment in time for your future self to revisit. In putting the box together, I giggled a whole bunch over items of our current little-kid life (see Maddie's self-portrait below). But a time capsule is also a vehicle for giving your current self a moment to think about your future. I also did a plethora of envisioning Bryan and I with 18-year old and 15-year old children. I also did PLENTY of ugly crying that our dog Piper wouldn’t be with us by that time (#stillbawling).   

In a letter to my future self, I wrote plenty of comments on my current life status (spoiler: I’m in a super great spot). I also wrote down a few hopes, intentions, goals. I didn’t spend time over-thinking them, I didn’t twist myself into knots about what they “should” be. Instead, I just started writing, and out came my answer to who I want to (and already am) become: someone who is healthy and happy, who has strong relationships with my husband, my family and my friends, who can sit in the warmth of the sunshine, laugh often, and be open to the magic life sends my way. 

In the end, October taught me that this 40-for-40 challenge is a perfect balance of past, present, and future. You all have given me the doorway in which to stand to both look back AND look forward. I can also lean into the trust that the path forward is going to be just fine - even when I have to pivot or fail - because I have you all as my roots.

Onward to November!

Tasks finished this month: 

A day at a hot springs, kid free

Video record a conversation together based on experiences of OUR friendship

Family Time Capsule (to be opened at Maddie’s High School Graduation, 2039)

2 out of 12 monthly date nights 

7 out of 50 weekly impact calls

5 of 40 “purple couch” conversations